@superdadatron

I’m testing my theory that I can get away with putting a 0 or N/A in a work report that requires answers when I don’t know the answers.

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@dogboner

in the rental car today and my son said it was like we were in a “rocket ship” how many rocket ships have you been in. That’s what I thought

@neonwario

I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”

@WyanRilson

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

@Marlebean

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

@PortRooster

Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…

@Brianhopecomedy

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

@BendyBacon

Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write ‘would of’ instead of ‘would have’ as human shields.

@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@3sunzzz

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

@CauseWereGuys

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.