I’m testing my theory that I can get away with putting a 0 or N/A in a work report that requires answers when I don’t know the answers.

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in the rental car today and my son said it was like we were in a “rocket ship” how many rocket ships have you been in. That’s what I thought


I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”


The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to


A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.


Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…


*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”




Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write ‘would of’ instead of ‘would have’ as human shields.


I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.


Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?


The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.