me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Mornin. * use accordingly
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.