My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
#Caturday
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.