@Social_Mime

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

You Might Also Like

@boomdingwinning

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

@longwall26

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

@robfee

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

@MomOnFire

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@BibiCheret

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

@Brianhopecomedy

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

@HeidiCF8

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

@pveronneau

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

@dadthatwrites

“Why is my heart palpitating?”

-Me, after chasing a pint of ice cream and a hamburger with Death Wish coffee.

@meganamram

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose