I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

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Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker


Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.


(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.


So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.


Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?




“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”


Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.


Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game


“Why is my heart palpitating?”

-Me, after chasing a pint of ice cream and a hamburger with Death Wish coffee.


At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose