I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
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The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?