All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.