I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

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Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”


*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge*

*Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit*

*Buys $80 worth of donuts*


I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.


Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.


I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.


Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!


Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab


Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.


Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker


I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.