Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LeftAtLondon

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

@samfromks

*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge*

*Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit*

*Buys $80 worth of donuts*

@blade_funner

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

@birbigs

Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.

@crunchenhancer

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

@abbycohenwl

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

@Marlebean

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

@toomanycommas3

Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.

@fro_vo

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

@LostFelicia

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.