I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.