I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
bias laundering edition
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”