I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Wait for it
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Twitter remains undefeated
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
A leaf blower, but for people.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.