Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed
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JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers “smooth criminal” and moonwalks away
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.