@Mr_Kapowski

I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed

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@thedad

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

@jonnysun

JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL

@imteddybless

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

@RocketRankoon

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

@gagging

Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers “smooth criminal” and moonwalks away

@3sunzzz

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.