I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old

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Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…


Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”


[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere


I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.


So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon

Dating is hard.


I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”


*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.


just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality



Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY