today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old
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Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.
After years of failure, the “scientist” that had been trying to create a fake urine nearly went mad after he drank his first Miller Lite.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?