My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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