I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
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The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
(by @ZachWeiner )
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!