I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
You Might Also Like
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
But I really needed water water water
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority