i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Mouse
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.