To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
New menu item
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.