Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Children of the corn 🌽
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita