*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
HERE’S MARKY
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.