I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
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I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive