I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*
M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?
A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That’s nuts!
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife: that’s fair.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?
BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
Me: There was a spider.