I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.