@krisv_723

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

You Might Also Like

@sandjoeman

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

@Home_Halfway

M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?

@omgthatspunny

A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That’s nuts!

@molly7anne

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

@NewDadNotes

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

@_thatigirl

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@novicefather

I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

@AimeeHelene1

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.