I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

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Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.


[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean


Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?


I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.


Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?


I’ve learned from my mistakes. I make bigger and better mistakes than ever now.


[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”


Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.