Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.