I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
The Struggle
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET