Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I know
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.