I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
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My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
figuring out my emotional availability: