I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Pot warmers of the day.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.