I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
📽️movie date🎞️
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one