“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
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3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit