I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

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“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”


3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.


Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing


Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.


A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.


Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?


Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.


Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me


I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.


Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit