A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird