@shariv67

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

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@NoBadHairDays2

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

@crunchenhancer

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

@ThugRaccoons

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

@omgthatspunny

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

@SirEviscerate

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

@ShittyComedian

No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

@mamabirddiaries

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@TweetPotato314

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird