@tastefactory

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

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@_ElvishPresley_

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

@jazmasta

*strums ukulele*
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?

– me as a marriage counselor

@GroovyTasia

*Me, in class trying to covertly look at why my phone is blowing up*

My breaking news app: There are aliens on Venus

My friends: Dude. Aliens. Venus

Twitter: I’m gonna have sex w/ Venus Aliens

*Looking after class*
News: There may be a sign of life on Venus but probably not

@MissColdHeart9

My Tinder Bio: If my cats hate you, we won’t be dating.

*secretly knows my cats hate everyone*

@stillwondering1

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

@michelleDbelle

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

@pattioshankable

I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”