“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed