“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

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coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call


*strums ukulele*
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”


Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?

– me as a marriage counselor


*Me, in class trying to covertly look at why my phone is blowing up*

My breaking news app: There are aliens on Venus

My friends: Dude. Aliens. Venus

Twitter: I’m gonna have sex w/ Venus Aliens

*Looking after class*
News: There may be a sign of life on Venus but probably not


My Tinder Bio: If my cats hate you, we won’t be dating.

*secretly knows my cats hate everyone*


Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.


Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?


I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”