Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?