I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
You Might Also Like
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea