@WheelTod
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
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@GeauxSaints79
M: Are you gonna eat that baby?
Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O’
M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind.
@Mr_Kapowski
I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
@captainkalvis
date: so tell me about yourself
me: i am comprised of atoms
date: haha no like what do you do
me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain
date: for like fun, i mean
me: sex and television
alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude
@Kryzazy
Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.
@Book_Krazy
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
@dulcetry
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
@ShutUpThatsWho
ME: gimme a double
BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]
ME: no I meant a double Scotch
BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]
@WarrenHolstein
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
@Proxic0n
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.