@WheelTod

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

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@GeauxSaints79

M: Are you gonna eat that baby?

Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O’

M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind.

@Mr_Kapowski

I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts

@captainkalvis

date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude

@Kryzazy

Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.

@Book_Krazy

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

@dulcetry

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: gimme a double

BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]

ME: no I meant a double Scotch

BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]

@WarrenHolstein

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

@Proxic0n

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.