If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird