I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
😅😅😅
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*