If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
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I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.