“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!