i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
There is no “we” in chocolate.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Meanwhile in Canada…
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
This is the coolest video you will see today.