Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
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Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Counting Crows #GoodBandNameBadFirstDate
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[my brain going to party]
general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?
social anxiety: what if they don’t?
Me:  next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me:  next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army