I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
me logging onto twitter
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.