I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I think they could have phrased this better
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.