I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

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Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.


I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.


If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.


[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]


Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door I say “Hey! Sorry I’m late.”


Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary


*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky


Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy