@wendchymes

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

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@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.

@findmydolls

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

@ThaJawn

I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey

@MarfSalvador

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

@hippieswordfish

*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*

@thepaulahunt

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

@Sickayduh

Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.

Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?

[from my stomach] I’m right here

@candyflippin

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

@SteveKoehler22

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.