oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
“Can I have a drink?”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”
See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My goal is to be a troll as great as this guy one day
I’m your father ……