@UncleDuke1969

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

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@tarashoe

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

@TheCatWhisprer

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

@BobTheSuit

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

@MNateShyamalan

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

@PoonWhisperer1

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

@GrantTanaka

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

@smerobin

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.