I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill