If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…