@Sarcasticsapien

I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.

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@NewDadNotes

I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

@KenJennings

ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
1. Mosquitoes
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark

@morganalxander

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

@Kim_pulsive

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

@caithuls

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

@thetigersez

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

@FeelingEuphoric

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.