I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation
I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.
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ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
anxiety: u up?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.