Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
You Might Also Like
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids