“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies