“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
You Might Also Like
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.