Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
How is it still this week?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.