Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

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“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means


The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)


satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo


My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.


I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.


Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed


Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work


Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus


If I had a daycare, I think it would be awesome to get each kid to wear one of those backpack-leash things and make them pull me on a sled.