Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
You Might Also Like
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
CUTE CAT‼︎
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’