@KevinFarzad

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

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@wickedsuga

Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep

@envydatropic

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

@Shade510

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

@Love_bug1016

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

@bombsydoll

Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids

@iwearaonesie

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

@slimmy_shady

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

@Trisarahjtops

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

@OnlyFastEddie

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.