I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

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Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep


Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it


Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.



No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.


PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted


Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids


wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?


Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”


Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no


The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.