Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
adding to the discourse
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((