I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
This could’ve been an email.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I feel seen.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard