i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
channeling her this year
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’