Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
You Might Also Like
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Just me and my debit card against the world
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
How high do the levels go?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.