I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!

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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.


I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of


My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.


Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.


If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.


A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge


Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’