@QueefTornado

“I’m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

—-people in wheelchairs probably

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@internetluke

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

@fro_vo

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

@withanewname

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

@thenatewolf

*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.

*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.

@Shenaniglenns

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

@shopkins776

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

@ChrisIsJoking

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

@_ElvishPresley_

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!