“I’m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

—-people in wheelchairs probably

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Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*


Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that


*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.


*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.

*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.


SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches


Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them


It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.


[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!