Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
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If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: