I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
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nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.